


Diary of a Dead Man

by WiccidWrytings



Category: Original Work
Genre: Diary/Journal, Ftm transexual, LGBTQ Character, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-03-05 12:33:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18828775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WiccidWrytings/pseuds/WiccidWrytings
Summary: What if I could tell you my life story after I'm dead? Would you want to read it? This is the story of Markus Riley, his unusual family, and the events of his life and death. He had always thought he was different but wasn't sure why. After college and kids he came to the realization of what made him different. Then he died. He then found a way to tell us his tale in all its glory and tragedy. This is the Diary of a Dead Man.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CelticKnot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelticKnot/gifts).



Diary of a Dead Man  
Entry 1:  
So here I am, doing something I once swore I would never do. Write a diary. Why? Well I have decided to write this so that in the future, people will know the whole story about what did and is, happening to me. Anyway, my name is Markus but that will be irrelevant until sometime later. To look at me you wouldn’t recognize me. Here I am in a drainage ditch somewhere near the ocean, eyes puffy and the rest of me scraped, scratched, 6 foot tall and barely 115 pounds, with a rubber band around my arm and a needle sticking halfway out of the pock marked vein.

How did I go from having a family and a decent, if not glamorous writing job? Well, I will get to that, but first let me explain some of my past. It all started out well enough, I was born in Paris; Texas not France; to Randal and Wendy Galloway sometime in 1982, not sure the exact date as details come and go in my current condition. I had a fairly typical Texas upbringing, you know sports, God, work, and family. Typically, in that order. I played baseball and soccer growing up and was quite a gifted shortstop, but my true passion was soccer, as a goalie. In middle school I made an all-state team. Then in high school I got to play for the Junior’s National team and had a blast. My grades were decent, so I barely made it into the Texas University in Austin where I played soccer and just barely missed making the national and Olympic team.

Life was good. I was playing a sport I loved and also learning about writing. My major was journalism, but I preferred the fictional story above all other forms of writing. As a junior I met the love of my life, Jason, who was a senior and lived in the dorms next to mine. Things were well and he hung around Austin until I finished my degree. Then we both went to his home state of Oregon to finish our masters’. His in business technologies, and mine in business journalism. We both ended up working for a local .com company and working our way up the chains.

We soon married and planned on having kids. I know what you are saying, how does a gay couple have kids? Weeell we weren’t gay, at least not in the traditional sense. You see, at the time my name was Marissa Riley. I always knew something wasn’t quite right and I didn’t feel like a girl. Hence my playing baseball with the boys rather than softball with all of my female friends.

Anyway, Jason only knew part of this and I didn’t say more at first because I didn’t want to lose one of the only things in my life that truly made me happy. I wouldn’t dare say anything to my friends and family back home. As many of you know, the shiny part of the Bible Belt Buckle frowns on anyone even remotely different. If they knew my true feelings, they would never speak to me again. Even I had the hardest time accepting who I was because it always felt dirty, wrong, and just plain weird. I mean I felt every bit like a guy and had mostly male friends growing up. I thought it stranger that during all this confusion, I sometimes heard the terms dyke, bull, carpet muncher, and various other names whispered about me even though I had absolutely no interest in girls. I was as straight as they get. I loved boys, but I also felt more like a boy than a girl.

Things really changed when I was 11 and went from little girl to curvy tween with c cups. I still hung out with the guys but with exception of a few of my closest friends, they started treating me very differently. I didn’t understand. I mean other than the fact I had to wear a bra now, I was exactly the same person I was.

Anyway, enough rambling back to where I was. Anyway, I soon got pregnant with our daughter Jennifer. Again, things were going very well. I temporarily lost all thought of being in the wrong body as I carried Jen then fed her for the first bit of her life. Those annoying things hanging off of me now had a real purpose. Soon after she was done feeding the feelings returned. I can’t truly say they ever left, it’s just that other concerns took center stage.

Around the time Jen was 6 Jason and I had to have a series of uncomfortable conversations that actually helped both of us tremendously. He admitted that though he loved me more than anything, he was curious about other women. You see, I was the only person he’d ever biblically known. I also admitted some of my curiosity as well as my feelings that I wasn’t quite female. After some soul searching, as well as a heavy amount of library hunting and googling we came up with an idea. We would check out swinger and other open or poly ideas.

After some experimenting with the swinger idea, we both came to the conclusion that that wasn’t for us. It wasn’t a complete loss however, since we made some amazing friends and had our eyes opened to a whole other world that hides just beneath mainstream society. Through this we did meet Terri, a woman just a little younger than me. She was very sweet and most importantly, honest.

Soon, without plans or any real debate Jason, Terri, and I decided that the two of them would date. I was not out of the loop or put aside or anything. On the contrary, it sparked a whole new world in our bedroom. I also learned about something called compersion. Which is basically becoming aroused by watching your partner with other people. It is more complicated, but I don’t want to bore you further with psychological or scientific talk.

Anyway, after some deep soul searching and long chats with Jen, we decided that Terri should move in. I was free and encouraged to find another lover, but I honestly didn’t want one. What I truly wanted was a bit harder to convince your partners about.

So, this went on for a few years and everything normalized a bit. Oddly my family, at least my parents, accepted Terri much more readily than Jason’s did. Though after some awkward holidays with all three of our families, things settled down.

After Jen turned 13 and started asking the questions that all teens do, the feelings of not being quite right came crashing back. I discussed things with the family, and we started the long transition from Marissa to Markus. I cut my hair and started to wear jeans and button ups more and more often. I only wore dresses when I visited family in Texas. The hardest part was trying to let Jen come to it on her own pace. She spent a lot of time at friends’ houses and only brought her best friend Rachel over and acted ashamed to acknowledge me in public. It was hard enough with our unusual situation, especially now that Terri was pregnant. Soon I started taking hormones and that threw the whole house into chaos. Jen and Ryan(Terri’s son) were the best siblings ever, even if many people thought Ryan was Jen’s baby.

So long story shorter, I fully transitioned with surgery in 2013. At this point I had lost contact with my entire family except for my mother, but even she only really kept contact for Jen. They could accept another woman in the family but not a new man. I had to start writing at home because anyone who knew the whole thing was either completely on board and overly accommodating or completely hostile.

Things started to fall apart at home. Not necessarily over me becoming Markus, but with having multiple stressors, including another adult in the house (Jennifer) and now two toddlers, Ryan and Tyler. Life was just hectic. Anyway, things fell hard and fast and soon I found myself here in the ditch writing this. How I got here exactly, will be part of my next entry. I’m getting sleepy and losing touch again so I will write again soon.

  
I yet live,  
Markus Riley

 


	2. Chapter 2

Entry 2:  
So after reviewing what I wrote last time I feel I need to clarify a little bit. How I ended up here was not related to my home life falling apart or about the transition.

Our little family had grown to include Jason, Terri, Myself, Jen, and Jason and Terri’s sons Ryan and Tyler. After a bit of a transition, everything in the house got back to normal. At least as normal as it could be for us.

Jen went off to college at Oregon State to study structural engineering, the boys were doing well in grade school (Ryan even took after me and played soccer). They called me Dad, and Jason Daddy even though no matter what, Jen couldn’t get out of the habit of calling me Mom.

As far as the rest of us were concerned, things got much better. Jason and I were still in love even if there were a lack of intimacy since I was now physically male as well and that made that difficult for a very straight guy. The rest was still there; even more so since the intimate part was gone. Jason and Terri were also still very much in love. As for Terri and I, I don’t know exactly what you would call it. We were closer than plutonic but not quite romantic. Guess you would call it family love. Anyway, things were going very well.

Soon we heard word of Jen meeting a guy at school. Oddly enough he lived about three miles from us so when the holidays came, he came over and we all had a good dinner and meeting. Luckily, Damon turned out to be a very beautiful man. He was very polite and nice, and you could tell how much he and Jen cared about each other just by looking at them together. He didn’t seem too uncomfortable with our home situation. My guess is that he was thoroughly briefed by Jen before he got there.

Stick with me here, how this is relevant is coming. Soon they were married and both working in Seattle. Then as these things tend to happen Jen became pregnant. Things were going well for everyone.

Then it happened. As I said it wasn’t from anything you would think with the family, it was much worse. Jen went into labor unexpectedly and they rushed toward the hospital. On the way there was a semi truck and trailer turned over blocking the road. As they were stuck in traffic the baby didn’t wait. Damon got the attention of one of the officers there and he rushed over. When the baby came something wasn’t right. He wasn’t breathing. The officer did everything he could, baby CPR, attempting to clear out his lungs, everything. He called in backup and fire first responders were the first ones there. They too did everything they could, but the baby wouldn’t come around. It was found out that there was a deformity in his blood that kept oxygen from being absorbed.

While they were working on the baby, something was wrong with Jen. She kept bleeding. Before anyone noticed, she had lost enough blood to lose consciousness. The ranking firefighter made a decision to use the responder truck to transport Jen. She said they couldn’t wait for a rig. Unfortunately, it was already too late. Jen passed on the way to the hospital. So, despite all the efforts of the service workers, I do not blame them one bit for what happened even if Jason did. At least at first. We lost our grandson (Hayden) and daughter Jen. That is what caused me to end up where I am. I am starting to fade again so I will continue later.  
I yet live,  
Markus Riley.


	3. Chapter 3

Entry 3:  
Sorry to end the last one on such a down note but it gets darker before it gets better.

So, after losing our daughter and grandson, we all just felt numb. Nothing could get us out of the hell we were in. Poor Damon had it the worst. They had just finished putting their house together and had the nursery all ready to go and now he couldn’t even go home because they were there always reminding him of what he had had.

He turned to drinking before getting cleaned up and eventually found a friend who turned into more. Jen would have liked her. In a different world they would have been friends. Though some of both families felt he moved on too quickly, we knew that if he hadn’t, he would be in the grave next to them. He still came over and talked with us and reluctantly introduced his new girlfriend Angela to us. She was a beautiful person.

We, well, we took things a bit further. Jason disappeared into his work, Terri put all herself into the boys so that she didn’t have to slow down and think about things. I, I took a different route. At first, I worked and worked as if that could stop the pain. I then took to self medicating. Nothing serious or strong at first. Just what you could get over the counter. Then I got into a support group that helped at first but after a while it just stopped working. I finally went in and got help. This went well at first, but I got hooked on the drugs and found other ways to get the numbness that I was searching for.

I fell away from the family, I stopped working, I just fixated on getting my next pain relief. As things tend to go, soon everything fell apart. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I drove back to Texas and where it all started. There I rented a pickup, found an empty dirt road, turned the radio as high as it would go and took every pill I could get my hands on, at once. I then laid down in the bed and went to a deep nonwaking sleep.

  
I yet live,  
Markus Riley

 


	4. Chapter 4

Entry 4  
After fading out in the truck, I awoke in my house in Oregon. I wasn’t sure how I got there but something wasn’t quite right. The light seemed a bit off. Color and everything seemed just a bit out of place. Then I saw them, the family.

I attempted to speak to them, but they didn’t react. They were crying and speaking to each other about me but not to me. Then it hit me, even though I never believed in it, I was in the afterlife. At least a part of it.

I later learned that the part I was in was the land of those taken before their allotted time. This was the land of ghosts. Kind of. This was a place where suicides went. As far as I can tell and what we have learned, everyone not a suicide goes where ever their belief system believes they go. Heaven or Hell for Christians, you are judged on your actions according to your beliefs. I am not privy to other religions’ systems since Texas schools, churches, and homes are not generally open about learning ideologies not their own.

Suicides must stay here until the time of their allotted deaths, then they are judged according to their beliefs. Thing is, that in itself is uncertain. We are stuck here barely interacting with others but also never sleeping. Apparently, that is something for your biological self, not your soul. Also, since, as in the living world, we do not know our own end, waiting seems surreal. So, we are left with a lot of time to think about what exactly faith means to us. Also, it leaves us without relief from whatever we were escaping from.

Instead of vehicle travel we can travel instantly where ever we can visualize. We can see others but cannot interact with them, as a whole. After a while, I learned that it is possible to temporarily interact with the outside world. That is why you have this diary. I learned that you can take over a weak willed or otherwise impaired person. That is one reason why very drunk or stoned people “black out” It is strange but that is how it works.

Now the down side, the longer you stay here, the more you forget about the other life. I am writing this as fast as I can so that whoever finds this can learn some kind of insight into what the afterlife truly is. Anyway, I have to leave, my welcome is being worn out and now I have to leave again.

I yet live,

Markus Riley


	5. Chapter 5

Entry 5:

I no longer know what is happening. I have this urge to write but do not know why or what I am supposed to write about. Though I feel drawn to the land of warmth, I realize I am of the cold world, the world of shade, slightly out of place from the rest of time. Time moves strangely here where the sun still holds sway. I search around me but all I can see is metal walls, and the sun.

Oh my god is the sun bright. I want to look away, but I can’t. My body, is this my body? This body doesn’t respond to me. I’m pretty sure I am a man, but this body seems to say otherwise. It feels young, so young. I see a jersey held up by what are those, oh those are my breasts. Wait what? I haven’t had those for years, I think, I can’t remember. Why is everything so faded? What does the jersey say? Texas Youth Champion League. Huh, what? That can’t be right. I haven’t been a youth for decades. Wait, I am going to write down what is happening before I can no longer remember where I am. Everything is fading away. All I can see is the sun and this notebook. A voice, familiar to me but not, is calling to me, “Markus, Markus, come on it is time to leave. You have to go.”

Is that, is that Jason? Oh, my word, Jason I remember you. Hold on let me finish this and I will come to you my love. Well, it seems I have to go. It also seems that my name is Markus and this is my diary.

I yet live.


	6. Chapter 6

Epilogue:  
“Welcome. I am Jennifer Carter and with me is Damon Hernadez and this is Texas Live 37 News.”

“Thanks, Jen. Today’s first news story comes from Lamar County where the body of a young teen has been found. For more on this we go to the field with Ryan Tyler. Ryan, what have you heard?”

“Well Damon, apparently the body is of a girl from Paris who disappeared from her youth church camp three nights ago. Her name was Marissa Lawrence and she was found shortly after the bodies of Jason Riley and Terri Warren were found together in a field not far from this one. Each one with a diary with what appears to be some fantasy story the trio were living out. Investigation is underway as to the cause of this apparent suicide pact, but rumor so far is that they were not at the camp voluntarily.

Marissa’s cousin says that she was sent to the camp just days after announcing to her family that she was not a girl and wanted to transition to a boy. Jason’s friends say that he was openly gay at school but had until recently, kept it from his very conservative family. He had in fact gone so far as to impregnate his best friend, Terri Warren to prove to his family that he was straight.

Terri was sent to the camp after her family found out she was pregnant. The three were at the camp most of the summer and had told their families that they were getting better. Though, unconfirmed, students at the church camp claim the three ran away shortly after they found out Terri had lost the child. Rumors persist that the camp leaders forced her to take medication ending the pregnancy.

Again, it is mere speculation and the church leaders are not commenting, saying it is tragic but deny the claims of any wrongdoing. The Shining Light Camp is currently closed pending investigation. It is not the first time the camp has been suspected of wrong doing. It has been looked into at least four times since opening its doors in 1983 as a conversion camp for gay boys before becoming a coed camp for troubled youth in 2004. More on this story tonight at ten. Such tragedy tonight from North Texas.”


End file.
